As what feels like the longest month of the year comes to an end…no, January does not have 68 days in it, it just feels that way…look ahead to the rest of the year with positivity.
My year didn’t start exactly as I would have wished, real life took over and to be honest January has been tough. I lost my father on 13th January after he broke his hip in early December and never recovered enough to leave hospital. He was broken and frail and at 88 had had enough.
I take solace in the fact I was with him at the end and he did not die alone. But, of course I have many regrets…did I do enough for him? Was I patient enough as he became frailer and more forgetful? Did I spend enough time with him over the last days, months, years? Did I tell him how much I loved him and appreciated everything he had done for me over the years?
We somehow think that our parents are going to be around for ever…and then they’re not. I have never felt grief like this, I’ve been told that loosing a parent is something you never get over, but is something you learn to live with.
I have many happy memories of time spent with my daddy, as I grew up. He was strict, yet loving. Unconditionally proud of me (his only child) and had the grace to tell me so on several occasions. I definitely tested his skills as a father as I struggled with addiction and low self-esteem in my younger years.
My parents knew how to party and I have fond memories of them dressed up in sometimes outrageous costumes as they headed out the door or hosted parties. One vivid memory is of dad in a jacket, shirt and dog collar, with homemade John Lennon type glasses and tights and high heels for a Vicars and tarts party!
As I reflect on my childhood, my teenage years and my adulthood, my dad helped me navigate many things. He didn’t judge, he didn’t punish, but my goodness he was good at the pep talk, something I wish I had inherited! His advice and guidance helped me navigate tough times and moulded me into the person I am today.
Something I have learnt over the last few years is that if we do not allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable then we cannot grow. We need to embrace the uncomfortable, meet it head on, challenge it…then we have the ammunition to be better, feel better and live better.
This is true of anything from trying new things, to striving for something we believe is beyond our reach…to grief and the inevitable tears. But you know what they’re my tears, tears of shared memories, tears of worry, tears of relief there is no more suffering, tears of love.
My dad hated goodbyes, he never said goodbye as there was a finality to the words, he always believed we would see each other again so he insisted on saying “Au Revoir”.
So..I’m off to live my life, always looking forward…no regrets, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Au Revoir Daddy, I love you and miss you so much xx
“Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other”
Leo Buscaglia